I’ve decided to clean my external disk with all balast which gathered there in those years of usage and acthiving or trsahing the things there if you want to put things this way, but I ended in reading the topics of the long gone forum – legend named KOH.
Hmmm … It’s still painful when I remember those days, but as they say every wrong is right for something and this wrong – reading of the topics which I saved to my computer with love and care and which are never meant to be deleted – was good to finally understand some things which I didn’t see that time. Actually one kid saying that I’m perhaps a pedophile hurt me that much that time that I couldn’t see the things from the other aspect and admit to myself that I might be guilty of one major thing because of which I was banned that time and that was being too personal with all those kids. Now, when my life has got (thanks to CJ and all those kids) totally new aspects and I finally can enjoy the joy of it again, I can see clearer then ever and I’m glad, thankful and happy for that.
I WAS too parsonal with those kids, but I meant nothing bad with this. I wanted to be their friend and that was all, but ended to be their worst enemy they maybe ever encountered. I’m very sorry for that, but even this was good for something. I’m not even a bit personal with kids anymore and I rather avoid them then meet them, even those who were (I doubt they still are) my friends during and after this historical banning and happenings.
Now when this all is (I at least hope so) over I know those friends will never become friends again. I doubt anyone even remembers me and if someone does then surely the memories aren’t pleasant one. I can’t even imagine that one would think good about me after KOH happenings and I don’t expect those kids now that they’re much older and more capable of understanding some things would think much differently then they did in those times.
I don’t say I wouldn’t like to hear at least a word from any of them. I liked them all with all my heart and whenever someone of them told me something bad happened to him or her, I felt pain in my chest or even cried. When someone told me something highly good happened I was happy for him or her like it would happen to me. My insights were never meant to control the feelings of others, but feel with them no matter were the things good or bad. Let’s say I was not reacting right on the situations and did totally wrong things at the wrong time … result: not just banning, but heterred from allover the Universe, wherever I put my name … tatjanap.
But … here was one person who totally trusted me and was by my side all the time, especially when this all happened – my husband. He was the only one who trusted me, conforted me and even helped me to go through those really bad and taugh times. I was totally paralized from all these things: I couldn’t work properly at work, I couldn’t function right at home especially as I have the kid of my own as well and every time I had to decide something for him all those things returned back to me as a boomerang and I wonderred all the time: »Am I good enough to educate my kid? Will I decide right? Do I have the right to take the decision?« There was the time I was afraid even of approaching to my own son fearing that I might do something wrong. It was taugh, taugher then I ever imagine something can be …
Now, that I read some topics which were discussed about me and the happenings related, the memories are going back to the all beginning. I never thought I would be a LEGO fan and linger there on their Message Board for hours at nights when everyone was sleeping. I didn’t know anyone yet, not CJ, not Astro, not Yoshi or anyone else. They were just names on the Message Boards and I even never thought my name – tatjanap – would make so big impression on those who discussed the themes with me, played Brick Game ocassionally or just visit my club page and gave me a friend requests. Mostly I came to play Mata Nui Online Game II and message boards were only the occassional visited by me, usually when I had something related to MNOLG Ii to post. Then I raised a site Home Page of tatjanap and the photo album related to it where I put exclusivly the things from that game to help the others to save some problems in the game. I admit I was eager to get known in person to all those kids.
Then the things started to go down. MNOLG II was shut down for the new sites and Message Boards which were planned to be launched on LEGO.com and I was really sad. I was addicted to the game and I would very easily be Hahli if possible gatherring all those items and playing Kolhii … A kid in me was awaken with this game and when it shut down it was gone to sleep again.
Some time later my mother, who was in last stadium with her brest cancer, died and this was really sad momment in my life. I was sad, but I couldn’t cry. I’ve listened to the music from the CD I’ve recorded by myself and I was like I would be somewhere else and not here or as if I would dream a bad dream from which I believed I would never wake up again.
Then I found the Bionicle books. I’ve read first, then second, then third … and I decided to translate them for our kids, but I didn’t want to do it ilegally so I’ve written to Scholastic what to do in this direction. No answer came from them and that was another thing which lead downwards. I have written again and that time I finally got the answer that I have to write to LEGO regarding that. More steps down as I didn’t get any answer from them for two years and I felt like a pile of trash not being even worthy enough of the simple answer to my simple question. When I ask a question I expect the answer, like any other person on this planet and unjust treating of the people hurts me more then anything else.
But I decided to translate the books and I thought my happy days finally came back. I felt I can give something to the kids being LEGO and BIONICLE fan and I really enjoyed that time playing Brick Game, translating the books at mornings sitting by my daily morning coffee and discussing the various things on LEGO Message Boards at nights (as long as they were still online), usually early mornings. It was like my mother’s death would in time release me of something, opening a new life for me. I liked the kids and I never lied about that, but it’s only a question how one understands this love. Most people takes it wrong and they accuse … but OK.
Then, for me, one of the happiest moments in my life came. Message Boards were re-opened and so was MNOLG online again and the discussion continued with enourmous speed. I felt from the messages kids would like to meet in person with each-other and I was for this as well. I’ve posted several messages about this and supported the kids wherever I could. Then we both did a sin against LEGO – I and CJ. I’ve hiddenly posted my MSN space on the message boards (which was named differently that time) and he invited us to KOH with fake acounts. I still remember it was something like Visit_KnightsOfHonor_com or something like this and I knew immediatelly what this is all about. »I was invited to legendary KOH!« my soul was shouting with joy and honor. Yes, I was invited to the most legendary klans ever existed on LEGO.com or will ever exist – KOH and it was extreamly high honor for me. I was excited and happy. We found the way across the wall of LEGO kingdom at last!
At the same time Yoshi found my MSN space through LEGO Message Boards and we planned to organize the Brick Game tournaments easily and with higher speed. He opened his Brick Game space and even created the MSN group for Brick Game players, but as he didn’t have much time even in that childhood times, the thing never really came to life. But we all were happy. Now the bad things are over I thought and started to work for the kids.
I translated the first book and sent it to LEGO owner Kjeld Kirk Kristiansen. Hmmm … who I thougt I am that I expected he would even get this book on his desk what to read the letter I’ve included … Really stupid expectation, but well, I had something to live for. I printed 4 or 5 versions of this translated book and gave them to some kids and two of my adult friends at work in order to be the reviewers of my work. The opinions were good and my work continued.
During all of the 2006 year I was on KOH, kids added me to their MSN messengers every day and we talked. I’ve posted a lot on the forum and was online more then it was (now I can say this) maybe neccessary. But that was my joy and my pleasure. I was filled with life and thought it will never end. Never meaning of anything bad whenever I gave the advise to someone or posting a spirit lifting post there, they understood all this differently.
I thought I will finally climb upstairs with my life and didn’t even think about bad things. But the things went wrong. I’ve met the person on LEGO.com – kind man who I thought likes kids as well. We did many things together and I was really happy thinking only of doing more good things for kids not even thinking about that something could go wrong. Some things seamed strange to me ragarding this man, but I’ve put them into my subconscience not wanting to believe they are possible. I didn’t see the obsticle for him comming to KOH as well and so we were there together.
My other friend invited me to online golf game and I’ve invited that man from LEGO (who’s name I would rather not mention) there too and I must not deny we had some pleasant times together playing online golf and chatting online, advising each-other about what moove would be the best for some hole in the particular terrain or talking about what we could do more for the kids. The spirit lifting thing which took me later only deeper in the depths in my fall that I maybe wouldn’t go without it.
In spring of the year of 2006 my father died, but the world didn’t end with this day. We were not in good relationships and many things happened which were not even a bit pleasant and all this participation in KOH activities, online golf game and LEGO discussions were kind of conforting things for me. I thought I’m doing something big, something good and highly appriciated by everyone, but … I was soooooooo wrong. Who was I to think I am right? Who was I to think the things I’m doing were good for the kids? Who was I anyway for anything?
In late autumn of the year 2006 the final fall happened. I was banned and no one told me this until the morning I came to the messenger and one of my friends asked me why I was banned. »What? I was banned? Why? It can’t be. I was on KOH 4 hours ago before I got to bed and I could post or do anything else.« I couldn’t understand. I was named Knight of Honor some months ago on KOH what was prestige title there (at least it was for me) how and why could I then be banned now? I went to the forum and encounterred the truth. I wanted to clear the things out through the honest talk, but there was no one to talk to. No one wanted to talk with me openly and say: »Hey! You did this, this and this wrong!« Maybe I would even understand and go peacefully. I’ve written to CJ, but the mail was blocked for me so I’ve sent it to all the staff members and all I knew they were at least a bit of my friends before in hope someone would pass the letter to CJ. It happened – of course it did – but it didn’t result in open talk, but even more accussations. This was my ultimate sin, posting a letter to all I knew with all my data I could remember of. I’ve sent the data for all to be able to see them and find out whether I’m what I say I am or not, but the things were understood wrong again … I was falling down and thought I never will rise up again.
I admit, my reactions to these happenings were wrong. I was angry, insulted, frustrated and hurt and I couldn’t hide this from anyone. I’ve posted some quite hard blog entries in my blog that times, but removed them later as I’ve promissed.
If I eat all the promisses made to myself (one about never mentioning KOH again was eaten here), I always carried my promisses to KOH or its members and staff. I promissed to remove the entries so I did. I’ve finally forgiven, but unfortunatelly I never forgot.
It was painful regardless was I guilty of anything or not, and the way back up was steep and hard, but now I’m here. Not at the top, this is where I probably will never be, because crucial things which I would like to happen will never happen, but at least I’m capable of doing things I wasn’t able to do before.
But now, I’m doing things differently, with more care and more carefully, sometimes even a bit coldly and raughly. I’m the one who bakcs up if neccessary and I’m the one who looks to the future. Only the One up above knows if we are meant to »meet« again and if this meeting will be pleasant or not, though I wish one day we could shake our hands in good believe that haterred and bad thoughts about each-others are over.
I’m capable to say »Here’s my guilt in what happened, too.« I’m capable to say: »I’m sorry.« For the things those kids unjustly did to me I’m capable to say »I forgive you.« But … are you able to say the same? Are you able to look into my eyes and say »I’m sorry. Can we talk openly now?«
Now, seing how long post I’ve written again, I’ve rememberred something what always put a smile to my face though it was said in anger. Astro once said: »I won’t listen to your 10 long things …« This sentecne I’ll remember as long as I live. Angry as he was this sentence was cute and very very much true. All members of KOH can confirm I never was able to write something short. My posts were always those »10 long things« and they are even now. This is what I am and I can’t do this differently.
Well, you can say the same seing this »10 long things« entry here or alternatively you can read it all. Oh, well, comming this far, you’ve read it anywy. You can either forgive me or not. This is your choice. I live up to you will you still remember me with haterred and disgust or will you finally forgive me and remember only those nice things that also happened on KOH and which we all kind of forgot.
It was glory of KOH which unfortunatelly will never come back again, neither will our firendship as it was before. But here can always be a new beginning, a new future to better and more friendly times and relationships.
With love nad respect!
tatjanap (who still didn’t manage to clean the disks though – hehe)
Do you remember these legendary banners? I found them in my archives too. The first was created by CJ himself and the second by Element.
P.S.: Reading some newest stuff on some forums my wishes mentioned above are highly impossible to come true, at least for CJ. As for the others – who knows, maybe …
Tatjanap - The news 